The Fashion of Theology and Hearts

It may be meagerly interesting to notice that one year ago, i first created this blog.
Upon that either immense or minute fact, i can base many observations.

Primarily, i want to explain the heading of this post, not necessarily the Star Wars insinuation, but why i chose it.

This post was suppose to be a journal entry almost half a year ago, i believe when we first arrived to El Salvador, or right before then. I wanted to write concerning those internal emotional feeling of being inside a sphere of chaos, that feeling that the destination of peace and arrival is a constant fleeting object, just always brushing against the fingertips but never within reach of a possessing grasp.
That was the thought many months ago, and although i don't notice it as vividly currently in my life, i think i would be a fool to think that somewhere in the twisted networking of my mind and the shrouded corridors of my heart that particular thought doesn't still exist, and not only exist; but reign that segmented territory.
I'm amazed, but not shocked to see how much has changed in a year and how much i have not changed since i first initiated this journal domain (the word "blog" still leaves a disgusted taste in my mouth, evidence of one puerile thing that has not changed about me). So many things have changed in my daily life and surroundings, forcing my to change the particular manners that i do things, but so many little things about me have not changed. Such as this desire, this desire to be perfected.
Now, quickly will i say that the desire to be perfected cannot be an innately evil one. Being that we are made in the Image of God, i would find that desire, that want, that fascination, to be quite natural for many reasons. Reasons such as: the absolving of hurt and sorrow, the completion of purpose and meaning, the fulfilling of ineptitude and mortality, and definitely a multitude of other things that i could never quite pin down. But i know that, just like all gifts and imputations of God, can certainly be taken out of its original intent and direction of purpose, and twisted and tainted in accordance to the extension of the flesh.

i am so tired.
my heart feels so heavy, and my mind, so dark sometimes.
i can feel so dead, that no spark of joy or life runs through these veins; instead of warm blood that is the life, exchanged for lifeless fluid, mixed with all sorts of sorrow and despondence.

1-For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.
2-For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling,
3- if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked.
4-For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.

5-He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
6-So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord,

7-for we walk by faith, not by sight.
8-Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

9-So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him.

i know that this is not the way things were and are suppose to be, but i can be so selfish in my desire for perfection. my self-righteousness take away the glory of Christ's perfecting work. my fear of hurt and brokenness can deride the appointed use of being contrite and broken. my anger and self-hatred and pity demotes the beautiful act of being completed in Christ.
if my desire to be perfect, as God is perfect, is not based on the foundation that my aim is to please Him, then i corrupt something holy and make it profane. i take all the power of God and minimize it to my own insufficiency, instead of His Ability and Grace.

this year is different, and His mercies are new every day, and this is a new year to aim to please my Lord, despite my depraved inability and overwhelming desire to escape this humanity.

His promise to love us, is more than enough to keep going in our daily walk with Him.

it's all about His perfect love, and His perfect work in us; in Him, we are perfect, completely.

"when Christ, Who is your life, is revealed, you will be revealed with Him, in Glory.